Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
