If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
