Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
