I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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