how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
