haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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