you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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