I am spending my child support on dildos
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He better not be in your backpack
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
