I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
