I think I won the penis lottery.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
