the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
we should paint friendship bongs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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