I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
