Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize