We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
