yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found a bag of teeth...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
