He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
