he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
