So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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