I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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