Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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