I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
