Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
