Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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