I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
