You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
