I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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