Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
