I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
