Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have aggressive nipples.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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