Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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