Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
