yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
