what day is it and did you see me today?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
