i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
