Can i not drive my cunt home
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize