Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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