You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
