um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
