batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This toilet bowl is my home.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
