yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
