Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
