Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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