I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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