I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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