i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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