I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize