wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
