im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize