My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
