So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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