I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize