was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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