College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
