When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
