I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
