the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
