There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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